Failing Out Loud and… Proud?

It’s not new to hear me talk about the parts of myself that I am learning to embrace through my Human Design. I have talked extensively about what it means to be a manifestor and how this has changed my approach to work, life, and coping with my chronic illness. But another aspect of my human design is something I struggle to come to terms with. I am a 3/5 profile. According to Google’s AI:

The 3/5 profile in Human Design is made up of two energies: the 3rd line represents the Martyr, who learns through trial and error, and the 5th line represents the Heretic, who has a universalizing influence. The 3/5 profile fulfills its karmic role by finding the balance between the need to experiment and the passion for creating practical solutions for others. 3/5 people are often compelled to seek out others and influence them.

Google’s AI

Now, if you’ve been here for any length of time, you probably see how this fits me so well. I want to experiment and do all the things, and then tell you what works! I get SO much joy out of figuring something out and then telling someone about it. Here’s the thing about experimenting, you have to fail.

Notice I said – I want to share with you what works… what about all the times I failed? The perfectionist in me does not want to tell you about that.

Walking Contradictions

I recorded an episode of Sharing The Mddl yesterday where I explained to someone that my astrological chart is all over the place. I am a Pisces sun, Aries Moon, Libra Rising.

Even if you find astrology a crock, stick with me; I think you will still see where I am going.

Pisces Sun – Ego and Motivations

“The most intuitive, sensitive, and empathetic sign of the entire zodiac… it’s symbolized by two fish swimming in opposite directions, representing the constant division of Pisces’ attention between fantasy and reality.”

Aries Moon – Emotional Nature

“This dynamic fire sign is no stranger to competition. Bold and ambitious, Aries dives headfirst into even the most challenging situations—and they’ll make sure they always come out on top!”

Libra Rising- Energy We Put Into The World

“Balance, harmony, and justice define Libra energy… Libra is obsessed with symmetry and strives to create equilibrium in all areas of life — especially when it comes to matters of the heart.”

Allure Article

So, according to all of these, I am motivated by my intuitive and sensitive nature but am emotionally headstrong and stubborn, and constantly striving to bring balance to the world… which also rings very true for me. Not in a, searching for any little bit of truth and molding it to fit, but just a more overall feeling of – I am a contradiction. And maybe I need to talk about that more.

A Failure Open, Recovering Perfectionist

I say all this to share that… The Mddl isn’t really thriving. It isn’t failing; it’s just growing SLOWLY.

Typing that and the thought of actually sending this out makes my stomach hurt. I’m not going to share all the numbers and analytics that make it feel this way. I am just going to point to one spectacular failure. I made a whole merch shop and sold nothing. We are talking zero sales in 6 months.

My instinct right away is to explain to you why. How I basically did zero marketing. Or that I didn’t buy anything myself. I mean didn’t really care that much so it’s okay that I failed.

My three lines made something because I wanted to see if I could. And I did! I had an aha moment yesterday when I was moving the store over to a new platform and realized where I went wrong. I was in my head so much about what “experts” think, that I didn’t produce something I actually was willing to buy and put upfront. Worrying too much about the designs fitting the branding, making sure that the phrases or designs were catchy enough but never settling on anything I actually felt good about. I started the experiment but was too afraid to fail or be judged that I didn’t put in something that felt good. I needed to experiment in my way… and then talk about it.

It would be good marketing and smart for me to not share this story until I was done with the store, but… that isn’t the point of this. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to sell cool stuff, get it out in the world, and make some money, but not now.

Now, I am going to be my full contradiction self and be a Failure Open, Recovering Perfectionist.