Middle of Feuding Loved Ones

Welcome to Sharing the Mddl, a podcast where we learn to embrace the messy middles of life. In this mini episode, I share my recent experience with crocheting and how it taught me to embrace failure as a part of progress. I also give advice to a listener who is caught in the middle of a conflict between their best friend and their romantic partner. I suggest using meta communication to communicate about the situation and focus on finding a way for the two important people in their life to get along, rather than reconciling. Finally, I share my Lacey Loves for the week, including re-watching New Girl and appreciating family dinners. Thanks for joining me today, and remember, it’s okay to fail and embrace the middle.

Essay From The Mddl

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Transcript

[0:00:05] (Lacey): Welcome to Sharing the Middle, where recovering perfectionists overachievers and anyone in the middle of a struggle come together to learn to embrace the messy middles of life. I’m Lacey, your friend in the Middle and guide whose claim to fame this week right now is just celebrating that she took a shower by herself. Heck yeah. Today is a mini episode, which means that you’re gonna hear my essay from the middle of this week, which is about perfection and crocheting.

[0:00:30] (Lacey): You’re going to get some advice, which is about being in the middle of two people that you love and then we’ll jump into my Lacey love. So let’s get started. Learning to fail through crochet. Who knew picking up a hobby I have done on and off over the years would turn into a great lesson. An example of my progress with The Middle. To be honest, I don’t have much going on with my life and you probably hear the same things over and over again. For me, this is what happens when you barely leave the house.

[0:01:08] (Lacey): To replace this excitement. I get a bit obsessed. Some days it’s baking bread, some days it’s caulking the tub. But many days lately it has been crochet. My relationship with crochet. My mom is a crocheter. She always seemed magical in her ability to make yarn into something beautiful. She has crocheted blankets for all of her grandkids and many, many loved ones in our world. I remember my mom teaching me how to crochet when I was younger. I crocheted a blanket for my stuffed bunny, Reed. It was just a really big square, but I was proud then I didn’t attach it again. For years in my adult life, I have picked it up a few times here and there, having a deep fixation, but only having the attention to make a scarf and hat here and there. My mom would never tell you she is good at it, but I will tell you she is good at it.

[0:01:58] (Lacey): I am passable. I’m very much in the beginner category. I still struggle with dropping or gaining stitches. It’s truly a problem for me that Google Videos can’t seem to solve. I used to get frustrated and not pick up my crochet hooks. For years, I even thought myself how to knit as a form of rebellion, but ran into the same problem. So I stopped that too. A few TikTokers I follow are doing crochet while talking and I just had this instant need to crochet.

[0:02:27] (Lacey): Maybe this could be the time that I’m magically amazing productivity channel. For some reason, I got it into my head that if I made something practical and usable, not just another hat or scarf, it would stick. So I set my eyes on a market bag. This is basically just a tote bag, but cooler because it’s handmade. Could this be something that I even sell? I began daydreaming about a yarn based empire, you know, with the four stitches. I know how to do. Once I had my yarn, I jumped right in and I made a gigantic bag.

[0:03:01] (Lacey): I realized that once I ran into the issue I was having previously, forgetting to keep track and keep count of what I am doing and just going too far. I also don’t like instructions. I want to get started and then somehow know what I’m doing while I’m doing it. I mean, that’s reasonable, right? No worries. I made another one and that one was probably too small, but it helped me see that the yarn I was using was just too soft.

[0:03:25] (Lacey): I needed something more sturdy, different yarn. So I ordered some cord that would be used for macrame, but I could make a sturdy crochet bag out of it. I failed. Well, I waited for the macrame cord. I was determined to use as much of the yarn as possible. So I began making granny squares on the recommendation from someone on social media. Basically, they are repetitive for her in a great way to keep her hands busy. This is something I noticed. I was on my phone less. I would just turn on a book or podcast and let my hands work.

[0:03:58] (Lacey): Feeling productive and making something so much less mindless scrolling. I found an easy enough looking granny square to make online and I went to it. I got to the end and felt proud and realized it’s really messed up. I then had an epiphany. I failed and it was okay. I was making something for the sake of making it and it was okay. Heck, I failed several times with my bags thus far and it was okay.

[0:04:24] (Lacey): Each time I learned something and adjusted to move forward. Did not beat myself up for it or declare that I was bad or incompetent. I just kept going even though I failed. You could even say in some ways I was failing just to fail. This is huge for me. I realize that most people this would seem simple or silly, but for me it’s a pretty big marker of growth. I didn’t completely unravel my granny square.

[0:04:51] (Lacey): Instead, I made a second one and decided I like parts of it and I may use the middle part for something in the future. Just letting it be the failure it is, not trying to fix or mask it is a big step for me. Embracing the middle. I ended up making some pretty pieces for the sake of making again little markers of progress over perfection. Lesson learned, but still struggling. I’m not totally cured. I made this realization as I jumped right back into my productivity and perfection grind. I made a new piece today, a basket that I’m really proud of. I’m still wondering if this is a thing people want to buy and how I can make it special and useful. As usual, kids, keep us humble. I asked my son what he thought of me, adding one of my decorative pieces I made for the sake of making to the outside of the basket. He called it disgusting.

[0:05:39] (Lacey): He then profusely professed it was a joke. He’s still nailing down his sense of humor, and I don’t think he actually meant it was disgusting, but now it makes me laugh. Just not the way he intended it. He called me on my crap. I needed to continue to embrace the middle and not force my crochet into productivity or perfection. All right, friends, the advice from the middle letter that we have today is a little different than what we’ve had before, so I’m pretty excited. Here it goes. I find myself stuck in the middle of two people I love who have a serious conflict with each other. On one hand, there is my best friend who has been a constant support system for me through many ups and downs.

[0:06:24] (Lacey): On the other hand, there is my romantic partner, who I care deeply for and have been in a committed relationship with for several years. The problem is that my partner and my best friend had a falling out, and now they refuse to be in the same room together. It makes it very difficult for me to navigate social situations and even family events. I feel like I am constantly caught in the middle and have to choose between them. I don’t want to lose either of these important people in my life, but I also also don’t know how to make things better.

[0:06:52] (Lacey): I’ve tried talking to both of them separately, but they seem to be unwilling to reconcile. Can you offer any advice on how to handle this situation and find a way to bring these two important people back in my life together? I’d be grateful for any guidance you have to offer. So this one, I think, is different because it’s in the middle of people we love, and I thought that made it really interesting to talk about. I’m going to start off by saying that it’s very hard to not press to understand what the conflict was, because I think a lot of times we as people tend to want to pick sides, right? So I actually really appreciate that they didn’t include what the conflict was over and that you, my listener, I’m giving advice to your perspective is you don’t seem to care about the conflict, which I think is kind of cool.

[0:07:47] (Lacey): I think it’s hard because I’m sure both of these two people want you to pick a side, right? They want you to go one way or another. So if you have figured out the boundaries that you can still maintain both of these relationships, you don’t need my advice because that is a very slippery slope there. My big kind of question mark piece of advice that I would like to give to you or question for you is they don’t necessarily need to be able to reconcile.

[0:08:20] (Lacey): In my opinion. They need to figure out how to get along. Those two things are very different objectives. I am a big fan of what’s called meta communication, which is communicating about how you’re going to communicate. And I would start from a very open place and go teach them saying, look, you guys have this issue. I love you both. I don’t care if you reconcile. That’s not my business, that’s between the two of you.

[0:08:50] (Lacey): But I care about the quality of my life, which is fair for you to care about and I care about my own mental health and you both are making this difficult for me. Be selfish. I mean, you are making concessions left and right because of their falling out. So if they love you, which it sounds like they do, they can make concessions for you going to them and saying how can we get to you two just being in the same room together?

[0:09:21] (Lacey): I don’t care if you’re friends, I don’t care if you reconcile. I care about this aspect of the quality of my life. And really what it’s getting to is your actual wants and needs. When I was in graduate school, I was part of a negotiating mediation program and we learned a model and it’s frankly something I think about often and it’s called the Pin model. When we are dealing with people, when it comes to things like negotiation, we are often presenting the P, which is our position.

[0:09:55] (Lacey): This is what we are saying we want. But underneath the position is our intentions. So this is kind of a layer deeper of okay, this is what we want, but these are kind of more stuff around it. This is not super helpful and I am going to have to google it again. The final layer, and this is the most important layer is needs. We don’t often come to the table with our needs and a lot of times because we’re focusing on our position and just being right and not on what our actual needs are, we’re not able to come to any kind of agreement. It’s really going to kill me. What?

[0:10:36] (Lacey): Okay, don’t worry guys. I’m googling it. There we go. It’s interests. I’m such an educated individual. So positions is what we say we want. Interests is what we really want and needs is what we must have. So you are taking the initiative and coming straight with needs. Of course you want them to be friends. Of course you want them to get along. You want to have whatever that big happy family looks like. But that’s not necessarily going to be attainable, getting down to your interest. So what you really want, you really want them to be able to be together in a room, right?

[0:11:25] (Lacey): And then you need to be able to live your life in psychological safety. Right. I’m getting myself really worked up anyway. I think by going at it with this solution oriented not to solve their problem, but to solve your problem. It’s about you and they both love you. I don’t know. I think sometimes we don’t do things because we think we’re being selfish. And in my opinion, it is not selfish for these two people who seem to be the most important people in your life, to come together to have a truth or whatnot for you, you can take them through the Pin model together.

[0:12:09] (Lacey): I don’t know. But I think going to them separately and saying, this is the problem, this is what I would love to see, but this is what I need. You have the power to accept what you believe is reasonable and so it is well within your frame or whatever to say, this is hurting my mental health. This is not a reasonable place for me to be living my life. We need to figure out a way to make it that way.

[0:12:39] (Lacey): I don’t care about what’s going on with YouTube, and I think ultimately that’s a really healthy way to view boundaries in general of it’s about what you’re willing to accept, not what other people can or cannot do. You are not willing to accept this situation anymore for you all to live, and you get to be a person in that to live a happy, productive life. You get to say, this isn’t working for me. I am not accepting this anymore. How can I get my happiness or whatnot?

[0:13:13] (Lacey): Hopefully that’s not terrible advice. Also there’s Indy. I might be thinking about this one a lot. We might actually do this again with another guest because I would love to get some of the different people in my own life’s take on this. So if you would like to get some advice from the middle, feel free to email hello at the middle.com and put like advice in the subject so I know what I’m looking for and I can give you some of my sweet advice.

[0:13:49] (Lacey): All right. And now we jump into our Lacey Loves for the week. This week in the newsletter, I talked about my crocheting and shared my crochet needles. So obviously that is something that I am loving. This week. I also have started rewatching New Girl as a background thing for when I don’t want a podcast or an audiobook. Usually it’s when I’m like eating lunch. It’s really my lunch show and it’s just been delightful. I did try watching The Real Housewives of Orange County, but I started to get really bad flashbacks to life at that time for me, which was like 2007, I don’t know, just high school and you can only see so many Hollister shirts and denim mini skirts and not be like, what is happening?

[0:14:41] (Lacey): And constantly taking back to a place. Not that I hated high school or anything. I would rather be in the present and not hit too close to my experience. I’ve been having more and more good days lately, which obviously I love, but there are so many things that you appreciate when you have the mental capacity to look around and appreciate them. So my family does a really good job, just the four of us sitting down every night for dinner. And my kids are just so funny and I really love our dinner times together.

[0:15:16] (Lacey): It’s pretty special and so, yeah, I love family dinners. I know at some point those will taper off as they get older and bigger, but for right now, the four of us sitting down and talking about our days, which Isaac had some pretty good hot goss for us from daycare yesterday, so the conversation is very stimulating. I’m really thankful for it and even though I still have to go lay down sometimes, dinner, it is special and it is something I am so grateful and thankful for. As usual, thanks for sharing the middle with me today.

[0:15:53] (Lacey): I think you’re going to end up seeing more and more mini episodes where I have previous guests, whether they’re people from my life like my husband or just people I like, I don’t know. It was really fun to give advice with Joe last week. We’ll see. I am leaning into the idea of creating with my intuition in and leaning into what feels good because I’m so sick of doing the shoulds stop shoulding all over myself, take my own dag on advice. It felt good and so you’ll probably see that more from me. I really hope that you have a fantastic day and I’ll see you next week.